Times were tough in Tiverton; terribly
tough. Things had been slowly sliding from bad to worse for years, starting way
back when negotiations to bring the P.G.A. to town fell through after they
discovered that the Tiverton Golf Course operated out of a barn, had only three
holes and was mostly built on the side of a hill. Then the decline in the
fisheries caused the shutdown of the fish plants and over time the neglected
old buildings slowly crumbled and disappeared, to be replaced with gaping
spaces that left the waterfront looking like Gump Worsley's grin.
Oh sure, there had been attempts to develop new industries. Several of the locals decided that since wild fish were getting scarce, they would go into business growing their own. Having heard about the multitude of environmental problems involved with raising fish in ocean-going pens, the group decided the land-based method made much more sense and so property was purchased, infrastructure was built and several tanker-trucks full of baby fish were ordered.
The day the trucks arrived was an exciting one for the citizens of Tiverton; a new future was about to begin. Unfortunately, excitement quickly turned to despair when all the fish died within minutes of being offloaded. The company manager, Ozzie Owdows, finally announced after several days of intensive investigation that they had narrowed the disaster down to one of two causes, either they had planted the fish too deep or they had used the wrong kind of fertilizer. Either way, that was the end of fish farming in Tiverton.
There were a few more attempts to re-start Tiverton’s economic engine over the ensuing years. A concerted effort was made to get in on the current trend for wind generation, but despite the whole village subsisting on a diet of nothing but cabbage and beans for several months, they couldn't quite generate enough wind to make it worthwhile; and besides, they never did figure out exactly what they were supposed to do with the wind they did manage to produce. Things were rapidly deteriorating; the best minds in Tiverton had not been able to stop the relentless downward spiral. Then - just as the situation appeared to be at its bleakest - a rock came to the rescue.
The unique geographical feature known as Balancing Rock was discovered by the general public and quickly became the darling of the Provincial tourist industry, appearing on glossy covers and in salacious stories in the tourism gossip magazines. Thanks to its relationship with this celebrity, Tiverton was once again thriving; but suddenly there seemed to be a problem. Tourists were coming back from Balancing Rock ashen-faced. Too stunned to talk, they immediately left the Island. Even locals who trekked down the trail refused to speak of what they had seen there. Word was spreading that something was terribly wrong: Tiverton's fragile recovery was starting to crumble.
"This is where we come in." said Gurrey, "We'll take a look at this thing, figure out the problem and set it to rights again". Grime nodded in agreement. They were nearing the end of the trail, Gurrey, who was slightly in the lead, turned the last corner and immediately fell back into the closely-following Grime. "Great Caesar’s Ghost", he exclaimed, "I can't believe what I’m seeing; this can't be possible." Grime, with the grace of the ballet dancer he had once been, pirouetted lightly around his partner, took one look at the scene before him, and fainted dead away.
There before them stood the biggest erection they had ever seen.........and just beyond this newly erected building was what used to be Balancing Rock. But instead of the beautiful, precariously perched rock formation that had graced the covers of tourist brochures and captured the imagination of dozens of visitors, was a statue, expertly hewed from the rock. The likeness was uncanny. It was an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with a revolving restaurant on top.
Gurrey and Grime stared up at the revolving bar/restaurant. “Holy liftin’ siftin’!” exclaimed Gurrey. Visible through the windows that wrapped entirely around the garish establishment were women in low cut black dresses and men in tuxedos. They appeared to be sipping cocktails and laughing in that casual, devil-may-care way that rich folks do. "The fog's pretty thick," said Gurrey. "Can you tell who's up there? Is it the island's literati and social elite out at another bean supper?" "Don't think so," replied Grime, squinting to see through the swirling mists. "Usually at the bean suppers the windows are fogged up on the inside. This is something even more elaborate."
Oh sure, there had been attempts to develop new industries. Several of the locals decided that since wild fish were getting scarce, they would go into business growing their own. Having heard about the multitude of environmental problems involved with raising fish in ocean-going pens, the group decided the land-based method made much more sense and so property was purchased, infrastructure was built and several tanker-trucks full of baby fish were ordered.
The day the trucks arrived was an exciting one for the citizens of Tiverton; a new future was about to begin. Unfortunately, excitement quickly turned to despair when all the fish died within minutes of being offloaded. The company manager, Ozzie Owdows, finally announced after several days of intensive investigation that they had narrowed the disaster down to one of two causes, either they had planted the fish too deep or they had used the wrong kind of fertilizer. Either way, that was the end of fish farming in Tiverton.
There were a few more attempts to re-start Tiverton’s economic engine over the ensuing years. A concerted effort was made to get in on the current trend for wind generation, but despite the whole village subsisting on a diet of nothing but cabbage and beans for several months, they couldn't quite generate enough wind to make it worthwhile; and besides, they never did figure out exactly what they were supposed to do with the wind they did manage to produce. Things were rapidly deteriorating; the best minds in Tiverton had not been able to stop the relentless downward spiral. Then - just as the situation appeared to be at its bleakest - a rock came to the rescue.
The unique geographical feature known as Balancing Rock was discovered by the general public and quickly became the darling of the Provincial tourist industry, appearing on glossy covers and in salacious stories in the tourism gossip magazines. Thanks to its relationship with this celebrity, Tiverton was once again thriving; but suddenly there seemed to be a problem. Tourists were coming back from Balancing Rock ashen-faced. Too stunned to talk, they immediately left the Island. Even locals who trekked down the trail refused to speak of what they had seen there. Word was spreading that something was terribly wrong: Tiverton's fragile recovery was starting to crumble.
"This is where we come in." said Gurrey, "We'll take a look at this thing, figure out the problem and set it to rights again". Grime nodded in agreement. They were nearing the end of the trail, Gurrey, who was slightly in the lead, turned the last corner and immediately fell back into the closely-following Grime. "Great Caesar’s Ghost", he exclaimed, "I can't believe what I’m seeing; this can't be possible." Grime, with the grace of the ballet dancer he had once been, pirouetted lightly around his partner, took one look at the scene before him, and fainted dead away.
There before them stood the biggest erection they had ever seen.........and just beyond this newly erected building was what used to be Balancing Rock. But instead of the beautiful, precariously perched rock formation that had graced the covers of tourist brochures and captured the imagination of dozens of visitors, was a statue, expertly hewed from the rock. The likeness was uncanny. It was an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with a revolving restaurant on top.
Gurrey and Grime stared up at the revolving bar/restaurant. “Holy liftin’ siftin’!” exclaimed Gurrey. Visible through the windows that wrapped entirely around the garish establishment were women in low cut black dresses and men in tuxedos. They appeared to be sipping cocktails and laughing in that casual, devil-may-care way that rich folks do. "The fog's pretty thick," said Gurrey. "Can you tell who's up there? Is it the island's literati and social elite out at another bean supper?" "Don't think so," replied Grime, squinting to see through the swirling mists. "Usually at the bean suppers the windows are fogged up on the inside. This is something even more elaborate."
Just then Rikilini Robichini, wearing a
mini-skirt and high heels, wiggled into sight in that seductive way that had
driven men wild from Grand Manan to Bear River East. She immediately started
scaling the erstwhile rock, her finely-tuned body taut and yet soft at the same
time. Grime noticed a tattoo of a diseased salmon on her upper arm. "What
are you doing?" stammered Grime, looking upward at the Amazon-like
goddess. "I'm going to see who's up there." Grime turned to his
partner who was looking at his tattered notebook. "What are you doing
Gurrey?" he asked. "If she falls we may have to notify her next of
kin. I'm looking up her address." Glancing skyward appreciatively, Grime
muttered, "Me too." "Not dress, you idiot", said Gurrey
"ad-dress, ad-dress! Keep your mind on the job at hand."
From her vantage point high on the side of the statue, Rikilini - or Riki as her friends called her - could clearly hear every word of the juvenile conversation being carried on below. She quickly rappelled back to the ground, adjusted her miniskirt, and strode up to the detectives. "What are you dicks doing here?" she demanded.
From her vantage point high on the side of the statue, Rikilini - or Riki as her friends called her - could clearly hear every word of the juvenile conversation being carried on below. She quickly rappelled back to the ground, adjusted her miniskirt, and strode up to the detectives. "What are you dicks doing here?" she demanded.
"We're on a case", replied Grime.
"We heard that something strange was going on so we're looking into it,
we're investigators so we're investigating, that's what we do. It’s our job to
look into things… I mean, we’re trying to keep abreast…we hope to rise to the
occasion and…that is, as you noted, we're a couple of dicks, so we're just
doing what dicks do, that's all, I swear." Suddenly aware that he had
become flustered by Riki's unexpected appearance, Grime suddenly clammed up.
"That's what WE'RE doing here," said Gurrey, "but what are YOU doing here. Where did these erections come from, who are those people, what happened to Balancing Rock and why were you climbing that statue?"
"That's what WE'RE doing here," said Gurrey, "but what are YOU doing here. Where did these erections come from, who are those people, what happened to Balancing Rock and why were you climbing that statue?"
Riki
eyed the two detectives as if trying to decide if she should trust them.
Finally she appeared to reach a decision. "I'll start at the
beginning", she said, "Try to keep up."
"What’s happening here has come as a big surprise to most people, but I've been keeping my eye on this gang for a while. What we have here gentlemen, is a collaboration between two of the most reprehensible groups of people known to mankind. “The Liberals and Conservatives?” asked Grime. “No, even worse,” said Riki. ”Theme park operators and fish farmers! I suppose you're aware of the theme park that opened recently on the mainland?"
"What’s happening here has come as a big surprise to most people, but I've been keeping my eye on this gang for a while. What we have here gentlemen, is a collaboration between two of the most reprehensible groups of people known to mankind. “The Liberals and Conservatives?” asked Grime. “No, even worse,” said Riki. ”Theme park operators and fish farmers! I suppose you're aware of the theme park that opened recently on the mainland?"
"Sure," replied Grime, "Six
Flags Over Tiddville, I went there right after it opened to try out the Eddie
Tidd Bumper Car ride."
"Well", Riki went on, "That
place has been losing money since it opened. They thought Tiddville was a good
location because it gets a lot of traffic, but the cars don't stop, they just
rush right through to catch the ferry. When they realized that people were
passing by their so-called attraction to go see Balancing Rock, the park
operators secured a lease on the land that the rock stands on. They decided
that if all those people would come to see a balancing rock, even more would
come to see a balancing Statue of Liberty".
Gurrey and Grime noticed for the first time
that unlike the monument in New York Harbour, this statue was balanced on one
leg; with one foot solidly planted on the ledge that the Balancing Rock had
formerly occupied and the other foot hovering in mid-air. There was another
difference. The New York Harbour colossus featured a plaque which said in part:
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
The plaque at the base of this statue said:
“Give me $20 - tax extra - for the
tour.
You muddled asses can’t expected to
get in for free,
The wretched refuse we produce is
worth it all for sure.
Send these, the island tree huggers
to me
I’ll lift my middle finger then show
them the door!”
"They thought they could improve on
Mother Nature’s creation,” Riki continued, “but true to form, that turned out
to be another bad decision. The people who come here want to see what is left
of the natural world, not some cheap replica of an American icon. They were on
the point of going broke until Crookes, the fish farm people, approached them
with an offer. Crookes has had a lot of bad PR lately, so they want to join
forces and develop a fish farm theme park; you know, bumper boats in the fish
cages, fish petting area, Slip & Slide in the greasy scum the fish waste
makes on the shoreline, that sort of thing. They think it will improve their
image. Tonight a gala ball is being held to celebrate the agreement between the
two companies. I was climbing the statue in protest and to put this up."
With a flourish, she unfurled a large banner that read, ‘Let Our Lobsters
Live - No Fish Farm in St. Mary's Bay’.
Suddenly Riki pushed the two detectives into the bushes. "Easy there girl", said Grime, "If you want to go grassin', just say so, no need to be so rough!"
"Quiet, you old fool, someone's coming".
Walking down the trail appeared a large salmon, "What the hell's that", whispered Grime.
"That's the park's new mascot, Sammy the Spaced-Out Salmon we call him, because of all the drugs in his system."
"I thought the park mascot was a leprechaun", said Gurrey.
"They got rid of that when the Tiverton Irish community complained it was demeaning", replied Riki.
"Tiverton has an Irish Community?" asked Grime.
"Of course." said Riki, "Everybody knows the O'Ssinger clan".
Soon the salmon mascot was surrounded by a group of island protesters calling themselves Occupy Tiverton. They began singing a series of protest songs to keep their spirits up, beginning with I Am A Rock, moving on to Like a Rock, and ending with Rock of Ages. They were what you might call a rock group. Meanwhile Rikilini was getting her groove on - gyrating suggestively in front of the giant salmon mascot. It was a bizarre scene of chaos and the people in the penthouse of the Statue of Liberty/Balancing Rock had rushed to the windows to watch. Unfortunately, the weight of so many people on one side proved too much to bear.
The Occupy Tiverton group had just finished Rock Me Gently and were launching into Rock Around The Clock when they noticed that the shoddily-built structure towering over them was about to collapse. Quickly assessing the situation, they immediately abandoned their repertoire of rock songs and, with little thought for their own safety, rushed directly into a rousing rendition of I Fall To Pieces.
Meanwhile, Sammy the Spaced-Out Salmon, through his chemical-induced haze, hallucinated that the Statue of Liberty had come to life and was walking toward him. "Far out man," he mumbled, "that's so trippy." Suddenly, Sammy was jostled aside by Gurrey and Grime as they rushed toward the teetering tower, "Hey dudes, be cool, don't bring me down man, you're harshing my mellow man!" Sammy shouted after them.
Suddenly Riki pushed the two detectives into the bushes. "Easy there girl", said Grime, "If you want to go grassin', just say so, no need to be so rough!"
"Quiet, you old fool, someone's coming".
Walking down the trail appeared a large salmon, "What the hell's that", whispered Grime.
"That's the park's new mascot, Sammy the Spaced-Out Salmon we call him, because of all the drugs in his system."
"I thought the park mascot was a leprechaun", said Gurrey.
"They got rid of that when the Tiverton Irish community complained it was demeaning", replied Riki.
"Tiverton has an Irish Community?" asked Grime.
"Of course." said Riki, "Everybody knows the O'Ssinger clan".
Soon the salmon mascot was surrounded by a group of island protesters calling themselves Occupy Tiverton. They began singing a series of protest songs to keep their spirits up, beginning with I Am A Rock, moving on to Like a Rock, and ending with Rock of Ages. They were what you might call a rock group. Meanwhile Rikilini was getting her groove on - gyrating suggestively in front of the giant salmon mascot. It was a bizarre scene of chaos and the people in the penthouse of the Statue of Liberty/Balancing Rock had rushed to the windows to watch. Unfortunately, the weight of so many people on one side proved too much to bear.
The Occupy Tiverton group had just finished Rock Me Gently and were launching into Rock Around The Clock when they noticed that the shoddily-built structure towering over them was about to collapse. Quickly assessing the situation, they immediately abandoned their repertoire of rock songs and, with little thought for their own safety, rushed directly into a rousing rendition of I Fall To Pieces.
Meanwhile, Sammy the Spaced-Out Salmon, through his chemical-induced haze, hallucinated that the Statue of Liberty had come to life and was walking toward him. "Far out man," he mumbled, "that's so trippy." Suddenly, Sammy was jostled aside by Gurrey and Grime as they rushed toward the teetering tower, "Hey dudes, be cool, don't bring me down man, you're harshing my mellow man!" Sammy shouted after them.
As they neared the structure, the two
detectives realized that the statue wasn't actually falling; instead it
appeared to be collapsing in very slow motion. "What's going on
here?" asked Gurrey. "It's so obvious" replied Grime, "The
only logical explanation is that we have somehow slipped through a portal in
the space-time continuum and entered another dimension where everything moves
v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y."
"No, you idiot, you're unfortunately still in this dimension." Riki had walked up behind the two dicks. "Remember who we're dealing with here; theme park and fish farm operators; they both deal in misinformation, make their living by producing a poor imitation of the real thing and are good at putting up false fronts. When I climbed this statue earlier I noticed that it was made of some unusual but strangely familiar material, I just now figured it out; this structure is constructed entirely of papier mache."
"I suppose that does make more sense than my alternate dimension hypothesis." admitted Grime, then added, “Your front isn’t false, is it Rikilini?” Gurrey ignored his drooling partner’s suave pick up line. "And it explains what's happening now," he said. "The unofficial Eighth Natural Wonder of the World, our famous Bay of Fundy fog, has softened the papier mache, causing it to slowly lose its shape."
"Exactly", replied Riki, "But right now we have to figure out what to do about those unfortunate people up there; their tin-foil stairway has collapsed and cut off the escape route." Just then the statue gave a shudder and slumped a bit further; from above they could hear the screams of the frightened party-goers.
"That restaurant will soon fall, and when it does, it will land right on the rocks", said Gurrey, “We don’t want to have to sing It’s Raining Men, although it is a hell of a song by a hell of a singer. What we need is a soft landing for them. Come on, I've got an idea!" Dashing around to the water side of the statue, they found Riki's climbing ropes still attached; floating just offshore were the fish cages with their protective net canopies. Gurrey grabbed a rope and yelled, "C'mon, pull!" The others quickly realized that if they could change the direction of the tower's lean, there was a chance the restaurant would fall right into the fish cage nets. When the protestors saw what was happening they rushed to help, and with a resounding chorus of Haul Away Boys, put their weight to the task. Even Sammy the Salmon joined in, although he had a bit of trouble getting a grip on the rope with his fins.
Bit by bit, as it continued to slump and sag, the tower slowly changed direction. Just as the team on the ropes reached their limit, the papier mache Statue of Liberty lost its hold on the rock ledge, and with a sound reminiscent of a wad of wet paper towel hitting the floor, fell.
As the statue toppled, the circular restaurant separated; flew through the air, skipped once off the water, and like a Sydney Crosby slapshot, landed perfectly in the back of the net.
Epilogue -
Three days later, Gurrey, Grime and Rikilini were the guests of honour at a luncheon at Lavena's Cafe. After the dust settled, it had been discovered that the world-famous Balancing Rock was still in its rightful place, the statue had just been constructed around it. For their heroic efforts in saving the iconic Rock as well as the people in the rotating bar/restaurant, the three heroes were allowed to pick whatever they wanted from the menu and were presented with passes for a free ferry ride. To the surprise of everyone present, the theme park/fish farm operators rose and announced that their near-death experience had taught them not to fool with Mother Nature and so they were henceforth getting out of the fish farm business and turning all their theme parks into wildlife refuges.
As the gala evening drew to a close, Rikilini turned to Gurrey and Grime and said, "Well boys, looks like another case closed. Just like shooting fish in a barrel."
"No, you idiot, you're unfortunately still in this dimension." Riki had walked up behind the two dicks. "Remember who we're dealing with here; theme park and fish farm operators; they both deal in misinformation, make their living by producing a poor imitation of the real thing and are good at putting up false fronts. When I climbed this statue earlier I noticed that it was made of some unusual but strangely familiar material, I just now figured it out; this structure is constructed entirely of papier mache."
"I suppose that does make more sense than my alternate dimension hypothesis." admitted Grime, then added, “Your front isn’t false, is it Rikilini?” Gurrey ignored his drooling partner’s suave pick up line. "And it explains what's happening now," he said. "The unofficial Eighth Natural Wonder of the World, our famous Bay of Fundy fog, has softened the papier mache, causing it to slowly lose its shape."
"Exactly", replied Riki, "But right now we have to figure out what to do about those unfortunate people up there; their tin-foil stairway has collapsed and cut off the escape route." Just then the statue gave a shudder and slumped a bit further; from above they could hear the screams of the frightened party-goers.
"That restaurant will soon fall, and when it does, it will land right on the rocks", said Gurrey, “We don’t want to have to sing It’s Raining Men, although it is a hell of a song by a hell of a singer. What we need is a soft landing for them. Come on, I've got an idea!" Dashing around to the water side of the statue, they found Riki's climbing ropes still attached; floating just offshore were the fish cages with their protective net canopies. Gurrey grabbed a rope and yelled, "C'mon, pull!" The others quickly realized that if they could change the direction of the tower's lean, there was a chance the restaurant would fall right into the fish cage nets. When the protestors saw what was happening they rushed to help, and with a resounding chorus of Haul Away Boys, put their weight to the task. Even Sammy the Salmon joined in, although he had a bit of trouble getting a grip on the rope with his fins.
Bit by bit, as it continued to slump and sag, the tower slowly changed direction. Just as the team on the ropes reached their limit, the papier mache Statue of Liberty lost its hold on the rock ledge, and with a sound reminiscent of a wad of wet paper towel hitting the floor, fell.
As the statue toppled, the circular restaurant separated; flew through the air, skipped once off the water, and like a Sydney Crosby slapshot, landed perfectly in the back of the net.
Epilogue -
Three days later, Gurrey, Grime and Rikilini were the guests of honour at a luncheon at Lavena's Cafe. After the dust settled, it had been discovered that the world-famous Balancing Rock was still in its rightful place, the statue had just been constructed around it. For their heroic efforts in saving the iconic Rock as well as the people in the rotating bar/restaurant, the three heroes were allowed to pick whatever they wanted from the menu and were presented with passes for a free ferry ride. To the surprise of everyone present, the theme park/fish farm operators rose and announced that their near-death experience had taught them not to fool with Mother Nature and so they were henceforth getting out of the fish farm business and turning all their theme parks into wildlife refuges.
As the gala evening drew to a close, Rikilini turned to Gurrey and Grime and said, "Well boys, looks like another case closed. Just like shooting fish in a barrel."
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